October 4th

    At times I don’t feel all that loving, even toward people I love very much.  This waxing and waning in my affection bothers me.  What is the source of my fickleness?

        My first thought was to blame others.  It is easier to love another when he or she agrees with me, acts in a manner I find pleasing.  It should have been immediately obvious how narcissistic that point of view is, but it took me awhile to recognize the voice of my sneaky ego.  And then I became aware that my feelings for another can fluctuate regardless of the other’s opinions or actions.  It occurred to me that this waxing and waning more likely finds its source in me.

        Finally I began to wonder if my point of view might be too limited.  I wanted to blame a person—either someone else or myself.  Yet Love is not so limited; it exists beyond me, beyond the people in my life.  To reference this boundless source of love, Jesus spoke of Abba, Christians tend to use the word God, other traditions use other names.  Yet, as far as I know, there is general agreement among the various spiritual traditions that Love is greater than the self.
 
         Perhaps Love is like a river—sometimes I am swept along in the flow, other times I eddy in a pool near the bank.  My feelings may be more or less within the flow of Love; but they, along with every other aspect of my being, are always in Love.  Whether I feel it or not, I exist in Love—and can, at times, function as a conduit of Love.  When I am not feeling very conduity, it might be worthwhile to get outside myself, maybe literally outside near a rushing river or under a starry sky, and surrender to Love all around.