May 5th

“I’m not NUSED to it!” my daughter would say when I attempted to have her try something new.  Change is difficult—it takes some getting used to.  I find that is especially true when judgment is involved.  Now judgment can be a scary word for usually I associated it with guilt, but biblically-speaking judgment suggests awareness, an awakening to a generally unpleasant truth about one’s self, one’s social group, or perhaps one’s country.  On the personal level, judgment happens when I realize I am nursing a resentment, being overly critical or prejudice—when I “acknowledge my sin” (Psalm 32) and become sensitive to its destructive effects.  Then judgment blossoms into a blessing for it opens me to the possibility of change, of actually wanting to live differently.
     Sadly consenting to making changes within myself does not make it magically happen.  My attitudes are ingrained, my behaviors habituated.  Changing involves a process of letting go, again and again, of old ways of thinking and being.  Loss is inherent in any changing—and loss entails mourning.  It seems odd that I would mourn the loss of some aspect of my character that I want to be rid of, but I do believe that is what happens.  As I ask for the grace to let go of old ways of being, I enter into a period of mourning.
     Jesus encourages me with the words “Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.”  Grace is poured over me when I have prayed “Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me.”  (Psalm 51)  Slowly, over time, I get “nused” to thinking, behaving, even feeling in a more loving manner—I find myself living a new life!  Alleluia!  Alleluia!  Alleluia!!